I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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