Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
