Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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