Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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