Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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