I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize