He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
