I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think my nap took me to another dimension
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
