Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Rumble strips road head = magical
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
