I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
