so that wasnt chicken after all
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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