What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
