i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
