my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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