yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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