so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
