how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Where is the hickey?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
