when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
