why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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