My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
