so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
