She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
