i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
