If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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