Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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