im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
