if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
