apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize