you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
40s are totally the cure
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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