he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
