Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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