it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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