3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
where are my eyebrows?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
