Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
