I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
