The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
