I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
