My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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