I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
