Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
