My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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