Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
