I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
