if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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