last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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