the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
