i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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