I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
