I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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