he thought i was a dude.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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