Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
