If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
