nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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