i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
