she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
