My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
