I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
