Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
