I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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