Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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