there's paper in my vomit.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
