who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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