The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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