I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Vodka?
Forever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize