Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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