My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you win again, gameday.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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