Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Randomize
