I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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