i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
