Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
