We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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